hi guys. i got some sleep, thankfully no nightmares. i woke up really early, 4:20 on the dot specifically. i tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.

i'm trying to take care of myself better for her. i've been awful about stuff like brushing teeth and using deodorant, for most of my life. but yesterday and today, ive done those things. i also did the cat litter right away, when i usually get overwhelmed and don't do it until my mom asks me to. shes not here to tell me anything anymore though, so i have to take it into my own hands and be a responsible adult. i wish she was here to see it.

ive gone into the room she passed in 3 times now, to update her on these things. i dont know if she can hear me, but it wouldnt hurt. it does instantly make me cry when i go into that room, though. i tell her i love her of course. i want to do that throughout the day for as long as i can. i dont care if crying is uncomfortable, i want her to be included.

the third time i went in there, and came back to my desk now, i cant stop crying. theres so many things she wont get to see me accomplish now. she wont see me finish some of the songs she saw the wips of. she wont get to see me learn how to drive. she wont get to see me get my first "real" job, if i ever do. she wont get to see me get my trans surgeries. even kind of dumb things make me sad. when the trailer for the second fnaf movie came out, i sent it to her very happily. she said she was excited to go to the movies with me. that will never happen again.

i regret so many things. all the times i lied, even though it was to spare her feelings. all the times i turned down going to the movies or the beach with her, when those are some of her favorite things to do. all the times i had "yelling explosions" as i call them, when they were aimed at her. all the times i tried to kill myself and she had to protect me from me. all the times she found out i had cut myself. all the times i punched myself in the head in front of her. i cant take it back, though.

i'm expecting a call today, from either the funerary home or a university that hopefully will accept body donations for science. or both, we'll see. i'm not prepared to tackle these things, theyre huge and a lot to think about, but i want it done for her. if they don't accept donations, then i think the next best thing is having her cremated, then having the ashes thrown into the ocean. i vaguely remember her saying that would be nice to happen.

i don't really know what to do with myself at the moment. i absolutely do not want to stop creating, i just dont have the will or strength right now. i hope it'll come back to me sooner than later. i am nothing if i am not an artist.

i love you guys. mom, i love you most of all. please send me a dream about what you're up to. it's ok if it's not tonight. i just want to know if you're happy.